i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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