my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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