After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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