This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
