it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
They took my balls.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
