I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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