Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
