when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
