my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
