i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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