Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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