ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
