She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
