textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it hurts more in the daytime
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
