My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
