Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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