I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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