Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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