Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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