He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
