I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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