for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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