I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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