if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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