why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
