Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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