I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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