hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
