Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
