Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
