Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
