I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
