Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
