She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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