I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
