i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
