Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
