did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
