Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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