just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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