There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
