I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
