i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
