I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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