i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
