I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
