i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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