Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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