we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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