fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
