You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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