No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
