I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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