We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
