so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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