my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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