Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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