i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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